Tears She Cries

Some things just can’t be described

Some feelings just can’t be defined

What happens when you lose it all?

Will anyone be around when you fall?

When you feel all lost and empty inside

There are no answers you can only hide

Years of hard work with nothing to show

Slowly you feel all your morals go

Staring up at the beautiful sky

Not really caring if you live or die

Past demons taunting, you want to be numb

But letting them win would be so dumb

Not knowing who to count on or where to call home

Nothing left to do but to silently roam

Sitting alone sorting out the lies

No one cares to see the tears she cries…

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Obessed!

Alright! As some of you know last year I spent working hard to improve my mental health and I bave maintained it! About 90% of the time I am feeling great. That last 10% is confidence in my body. While my mental health improved my physical health may have declined. This is the biggest I have ever been. Diabetes runs in my family and I am concerned that I am about to head down that road. So it is vital that I continue this journey toward bettering myself.

I have officially signed up for Beach Body on Demand and their NEW 80 Day Obsessed Challenge! I have just taken my before pictures and cannot wait to post the afters together.

My concern is the meal plans. I am horrible at being able to follow these things. Mostly because I do not like being told what to eat or when to eat. It might take a while to get in a habit.

I am excited and kind of nervous but I cannot wait to see the new me!

Be Aware

Another suicide attempt on the bridge in my hometown. Luckily the woman was calmed and taken into custody. The featured image is of the bridge.

This bridge has a very known nickname now….Suicide Bridge. Last time a fence was proposed to prevent suicides it was turned down because it would cost too much and it would be an eye sore. The bridge is a tourist attraction and the observation tower at the top of it looks over the town, Fort Knox and the beautiful penobscot river.

Even though this is a tourist attraction, I still think there should be a suicide prevention fence. I remember when I was in high school, a classmates sister that had mental illnesses skipped their meds and began to hallucinate….she believed the railing on the bridge was actually a fence and she had to jump it to get back to their house…her family tried to stop her but no luck.

It’s that time of year where most people try to spread festive cheer. Most people are also unaware that there are others who are severely depressed during winter or holidays. If someone says to you that they do not like holidays, please do not just look at them with a disgusted or insanely shocked face and ask “What’s wrong with you? How could you NOT like holidays, they are so great!!!!!” All that does is force them to think of all the reasons why and they try to plaster a smile because they know it is important to you.

Instead of trying to force someone to be festive….take them aside and do something non festive with them and help them forget about holidays. You’d be amazed how much that can help lift a mood. Helping someone like that be happy around this time will eventually break them of this and they will be beside you wearing festive things and singing songs.

I keep forgetting…

Once again I make a promise to post more and forget. Things have been going great. This is the best mental health I have been in, in YEARS! In the last few months I have only cried once due to depression. Things seem to continue to get better. Or at least stay consistent.

Maintaining my 4.0 gpa in College, finally dating the guy ive been in love with for the last 3 years. Have not been able to successfully date since I met him because I swear he’s who I’m meant to be with. Biggest issue we have is long distance! But I am kidnapping him for Christmas.

Work is going great. My client did have to go to the ER during one of our shifts, but I handled everything the way I was suppose to from a legal stance. May sound a little bad but I kind of feel more confident in my abilities to react and perform under emergency situations.

Even though I have been in the best mental health, I feel my physical health has been neglected. I am trying to eat better and work out. Just hate waiting to see results.

Effects of Social Media…thoughts?

I am working on an essay for school about social media and the negative effects it has on mental health and behavior. I believe it has more of a negative effect. At least it does on me.

What it comes down to is HOW the individual uses social media. I would greatly appreciate your opinions or thoughts. Postive or negative about how social media has impacted your life for the better or worse.

Hello there!

Hello everyone who is bored enough to peruse this! I just now realized it has been a while since I have posted anything. Need to get back into that habit again.

New things with me. Well if anyone has read previous posts, they would notice my beliefs and how much I struggle with depression, social anxiety and love. As well as how I believe I’ve met two of my soul mates. One was my best friend who died and the other was bad timing.

Well….timing is still bad, but a lot better than before. After years we have reconnected and picked up where we left off, however, he wants to have a better handle on his PTSD before we try a relationship. I can handle that, I will support anything he does. The most difficult part of this situation is long distance. He lives in another state.

Anyways. Next topic, college. I finished my first term with straight A’s! That is a huge accomplishment for me. I did alright in high school, not good or bad. So I have never believed myself to be smart.

Other than those two things life has been boring. Work is going great, I’m making new friends. Credit score has finally gone up enough for me to consider houses. I may be the biggest I have been weight/size wise but I am in the best mental health I have been in….in years! Depressed about my looks but it is what it is. Just need to work on consistency.

One more light…Linkin Park

When the news of Chester’s suicide reached me. Immediately I went to check if it was a hoax. As soon as my shift was done. I put on some music, naturally, it was Linkin Park. Their music was the main source of how I expressed myself. I was not very articulate and no one would listen to the words I said but I could make them listen to the music.

I originally heard of Chester Bennington when my biological father sent me a letter. He was in a band back in Arizona, and a new member had just left due to creative differences. Chester was that new member. I lost contact with my father but I have always wanted to know if they ever kept in touch, and if so…I wanted to meet Chester. I always said that if I could meet him and Pink, I could die happy…

I myself, have fought with depression and have attempted suicide a couple of times. I never had many friends growing up, and grew up with a mentally and emotionally abusive stepfather (rarely it was physical abuse). The one thing I could count on was music. I first heard Linkin Park on the radio, found I related to the music and balled my eyes out. Bought a CD, and every single song….I cried.

When their latest album came out One More Light, I was excited. When I first heard Heavy, I balled. When I heard the song One More Light. I again cried. My first initial thought was, this song is about those who are suicidal and want to leave the land of the living. I felt like Chester was singing to me.

“Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

I love you Chester, you helped me out of my dark place and I wish something could have helped you. The world certainly lost a talented person who has helped many people. I know I will feel a little lost knowing you won’t be creating any more music down here.

Camp Nano!

The last Camp Nano, I was not able to participate as much as I would have liked. Honestly, I did not at all. I would usually say I was disappointed, however, at that time I was fighting my Depression, starting college, and trying to save friendships.

Here I am, finally, a balance with everything and SO GLAD nano is back. College is going well, some friendships are not worth saving. And since I learned that, I have felt like my old self again and even picked up a semi-social life again.

Who else is excited for Nano? Do you know what you will be working on? What are your goals and have you ever completed them before? If there was anything you would like changed about Nano, what would you want to see?

Its ok to say goodbye…

This year I have been trying to push my limits. Get out of my comfort zone. 

This year I have also been trying to remove negative people. It has been difficult. Some i have been friends with for almost half, if not most of my life. 

There was one friend I was afraid of losing above everyone else due to the fact that a kid was involved. Our friendship went through a rough patch a few years ago and ive been trying to make it work. But I found that whenever her name appeared, my anxiety increased. Even if the conversation was pleasant. I kept waiting for it to turn into something else. 

We got into a fight a couple of weeks ago. I decided to take a break from her and facebook. That was the main way she contacted me, so I deacivated it so I knew I couldnt get messages. That week, I went from being seriously depressed to, somewhat genuinely happy.

I reactivated it, and as soon as I saw her name…just due to her liking someone else’s status. She didn’t comment and it wasnt her own status. I instantly noticed how on edge I was. My anxiety went right back to before I deactivated it. 

That’s when I realized how much of an impact I let her have on me. That the friendship was that negative. I made the choice to block her. Friends for 15 years, over in one second. One click.

It has been a week since I made that choice. I feel good again. Good things started happening. A mutual friend of ours told me its a sign that her and I should not be friends. 

It is ok to say goodbye to those toxic relationships. If things are going bad in your life, you must be honest with yourself. Are you letting others empact you? You can care about your friends lives but at some point you have to find the line between caring and taking on their problems as yours. 

Worlds Collide

I am working on a fan fiction. Cross of supernatural, game of thrones and maybe something else. I am not sure yet.

 

Dorian rushed into the room. He knew Alexandria was in danger and had to get to her. He could not believe King Joffrey would do something like this. Dorian’s kingdom was far away and had nothing to do with Kings Landing. Joffrey was power hungry and ruled with fear. Dorian and Alexandria ruled with love and a firm fist when needed. On a regular basis, Alexandria would walk the streets and interact with the people. She made sure she knew as many as she could and helped them in whatever way possible. It only made him love her more. She was a great Queen and soon to be an amazing mother to their child. He had to get to her side before King Joffrey’s soldiers did. Dorian ran as fast as his legs could manage.

Dorian rushed into the great hall breathlessly. He watched Joffrey’s guard remove his sword from Alexandria’s body. Without hesitation Dorian swung his sword, beheading the guard that stabbed his Queen. He quickly wrapped her limp body in his arms. “It is going to be ok. It has to be.” Dorian whispered as he held her. “Please. Please help her survive. I would do anything. Just please keep her safe!” He prayed. He could feel the life begin to leave her body. Her hands no longer clung tightly at the wound in her abdomen. He knew there was no way the baby would survive.

Trying a story…

This is something I am working on and I would kind of like it to end up a trilogy. This is only the first couple of paragraphs. I might post a little more, or post some fan fiction. Just trying to write more.

 

Startled by a howl not far from where she camped, Nevaeh grabbed the dagger she slept with. Slowly she made her way out of the shelter and scanned the area. With her keen sense of hearing, she focused on blocking out all sounds except for the animal. She heard a whimper. Her heart stopped. Whatever it was, sounded injured. Closing her eyes, she blocked out the whimpering to hear if there was any sign of danger. All she could tell was a small animal hurrying through the fallen leaves and twigs. Realizing there were no people nearby and she was not in immediate danger, Nevaeh lowered her dagger and made her way to the animal.

Her heart skipped a beat as she saw a wolf pup trying to scratch something away at their face. As she neared, she could not help but let out a small chuckle as she lowered to the pups level. “Dumbass.” She gave a little, sad smile as she slowly reached out to examine him. “What have you been getting into?” She asked mostly to herself but when the wolf pup gazed into her pale green eyes, she saw sadness and loneliness from his amber ones. Instantly she put an emotional wall up. “Oh no. No no. You are not staying with me.” The pup nudged her with his nose. “I am just barely able to take care of myself. There’s no way I can look after you too.”