Recently I took my mom to Salem Mass for her birthday. Both of us have always wanted to go. We had a great time and did not eat anywhere that we could find locally in our state.
Even though things have been going well for me this year and I am still making progress in my health, I still feel like there is something missing. Love. I want someone to share my life with. Thing is, I have already met someone and have been in love with them for the last several years. We keep being drawn to each other but the timing is always off. I am finally in the right place and ready for something real. However, he struggles with PTSD and lives a couple states away. He is not in the right place mentally. I have friends and family who are in the military so I can understand what he’s going through.
While we were in Salem we tried out a Psychic. Within 5 seconds I was crying. Instantly she told me that I would not be alone and that I would have love. I never said anything to her. For the most part, she told me everything I already knew without me feeding her information. Including that this guy is who I am supposed to be with and he is struggling. That he does love me too and he feels safe with me which is why around me he is a different person, the person he wants to be. That once I have my house in the woods, he will be more apt to move.
That was the hope I needed…
He has told me before that I am one of the few people he feels safe around me. And it is beyond obvious in his eyes when he looks at me that he does love me but he is not ready to say it. I understand that. We went 3 years without seeing each other or speaking. The first place I took him when he came to visit was one of my favorite beaches. Like myself, he loves being near water. He studies rocks and fascinated about water. Even though years had passed and I wanted to spend every moment with him, I let him wander on his own and gave him space. Later he thanked me, saying it was exactly what he has needed for a while and that I awoke a fire in him that he hasn’t felt for a while. One that he did not know was still there.
This distance thing is very difficult. I know I can help him, but I cannot help someone that is not ready. The psychic gave me hope that he and I will work it out. However, hope is a dangerous thing for me. I fear that the longer he is away from me the taller his walls get. He and I are doing the same thing right now. We are both being distant out of fear. We both put up a wall so we do not become attached more than we are already. Thing is, I know this and want to fix it. But I do not know how to talk to him without feeling like I am pushing him.
I like having the reassurance that there is hope, but unless he realizes the same things I do and makes attempts to communicate more there is no hope. I do not know what I prefer, having hope with a chance that it still won’t happen…or being hopeless and accepting it is what it is, so if it does work out I would be surprised and happy.
The one thing that keeps me up at night is the fear of living the rest of my life without someone to share it with. Getting that house and living in it alone. I feel deep down that it is him or no one. That no one stands a chance until I know what could happen between us. I understand what he is going through and I know he is in a negative environment. That he is fiercely independent like me and do not like others analyzing him or trying to push what they believe on him.
We are very similar. He also fears to be alone, he wants to be happy and to have someone to stand beside. I would want someone to fight for me and be understanding. For someone to prove they knew and loved me by simply being there. That is what I am trying to do for him, but my own insecurities eat at me when he is this distant. I begin to question if my memories were real and if he is actually playing me. Stringing me along just enough so I won’t find anyone else just like my ex-did for a while. I question if I should really keep trying to insert myself in some way in his life.
What would you do?