Tears She Cries

Some things just can’t be described

Some feelings just can’t be defined

What happens when you lose it all?

Will anyone be around when you fall?

When you feel all lost and empty inside

There are no answers you can only hide

Years of hard work with nothing to show

Slowly you feel all your morals go

Staring up at the beautiful sky

Not really caring if you live or die

Past demons taunting, you want to be numb

But letting them win would be so dumb

Not knowing who to count on or where to call home

Nothing left to do but to silently roam

Sitting alone sorting out the lies

No one cares to see the tears she cries…

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Tough Spot…

The other day I had an opportunity to get my first house. Naturally, have to get pre-approved. For the most part, I make alright money. I could make more if I moved closer to the office. My job involves a lot of driving and going to other peoples homes. I currently live in a county that my office does not have clients in and drive roughly 40 minutes 4 days a week one way to get to my client’s house. I would consider dropping them to try and get more hours with another client that is a little closer, however, the kid that is 40 minutes away…I have worked with for over a year and they are making great progress. There are 3 other workers in the house and only one of them is like me and works with the entire family and not just one kid. And the entire family needs help. I can’t just up and leave.

Well I only got pre-approved a small amount. Too low to afford anything near the office because the county the office is located in, has high taxes.  The monthly amount they offered for me to pay if I did accept it would only leave me with $100 a month for electric, heat and internet.

Sure some of you would suggest getting another job. It briefly crossed my mind but I am also enrolled online in college. My job already has a lot of stress and I am already being mentally drained, on top of my current class is the most difficult yet and they will only become harder…a second job is not an option. I need to make sure I do well in school.

So I can’t get a house because I am not approved for very much and I can’t get more hours to get a higher approval rating until I move a little closer. I do not graduate for another 4 years, I cannot get a promotion until then. I currently live in an efficiency, with a half bath. No counters, only a stove, and my bed is a mattress on the floor. The only window I have is the one that is on the door that does not open (window doesn’t open) the door does but my cats are indoor, so I can’t really open it unless I let them out in the garage or bring them upstairs to my parents.

I need out. I am feeling beyond discouraged. This is so frustrating.

Just for thought…

The other day I was on Twitter and commented on a celebrities post because let’s face it, I do not do much in my free time. I came across a troll and they wanted to go a few rounds with me. Me being bored and like to analyze and manipulate because I am slightly evil, I decided to engage. After a few comments were passed they asked my age and what I did for a living because they had assumptions about who I was as a person and that I really was not that smart.

So I replied with the truth…

I am 28 and I am a licensed Behavioral Health Professional, I work with children who have autism and currently in college majoring in Psychology focusing on Mental Health. They apologized and began to tell me I do good work.

Ever notice how people ask what you do for a living so they can calculate how much respect to give you? That is what happened. I scroll through twitter and facebook and I began to realize that. I began to think back to the times I was asked that question and remembering some of the facial expressions. The job I have now, and when I worked at a daycare were about the only times’ someone has given me respect for my job titles. When I worked as a housekeeper or retail people looked down at me. When I first started writing this post I was laughing, now as I think back…I am annoyed. Why do people have to urge to judge us by our job titles? If I am being honest, I have probably been guilty of this a few times when first meeting someone. Thinking to myself “I would not have thought someone of your capabilities to work in retail or waitressing!” I still have respect for the job because I have worked it, but some people just strike us as better than that.

This makes me ask what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us? Even if everyone in the world were to get a degree we would still need people to work in stores and restaurants, at dumps, plumbing, and fast food. Why do we automatically judge each other for their job?

Every client I have is usually younger than 16 and I try to teach them not to judge others and to respect them. Their parents are not judgemental so why do children judge even if they are taught not to? Why is this so natural to us?

I can’t help…

I can’t help but ask what is wrong with me…

I am not writing this in a depressed manner, I am not in that state of mind. At least not yet. Since I have been working on my mental health and in the best mind space, I have been in since….well ever. I am trying to be more social and work on my anxiety. Especially with putting myself out there to strangers. I thought A good way to start would be with my peers online for the class. At the beginning of every course, we do an introduction post about ourselves and respond to classmates.

Even online I have trouble putting myself out there. I know some of my posts here can be pretty intense, but since it’s rare when readers comment it makes this feel more like a journal. I am not putting myself out there to make friends, I am doing this so others see they are not the only one struggling and to show my process of taking charge to make my life better.

But when I respond to classmates I am trying to make new friends. Well, I respond and no one replies. My initial posts in courses, the instructor is the only one that responds.

I can’t help but ask what is wrong with me? Why can’t I make new friends or connect with people? Why does being an adult have to be so damn difficult? Needing to be careful of everything we say and do these days. Sure we had to as a kid too, but at least when a child makes mistakes or says the wrong thing adults tend to say “they’re just a kid, they don’t know better.” I want to make friends, but I also do not like to censor myself and refuse to go back to the old me and cater to everyone’s feelings. Holding things in, censoring myself and never allowing myself to take care of myself is what kept me in a dark place.

I have some really good friends that understand me. However, I would like to make some new ones, as stated many times in this post. It’s just not as easy as it once was.

What would you do?

Recently I took my mom to Salem Mass for her birthday. Both of us have always wanted to go. We had a great time and did not eat anywhere that we could find locally in our state.

Even though things have been going well for me this year and I am still making progress in my health, I still feel like there is something missing. Love. I want someone to share my life with. Thing is, I have already met someone and have been in love with them for the last several years. We keep being drawn to each other but the timing is always off. I am finally in the right place and ready for something real. However, he struggles with PTSD and lives a couple states away. He is not in the right place mentally. I have friends and family who are in the military so I can understand what he’s going through.

While we were in Salem we tried out a Psychic. Within 5 seconds I was crying. Instantly she told me that I would not be alone and that I would have love. I never said anything to her. For the most part, she told me everything I already knew without me feeding her information. Including that this guy is who I am supposed to be with and he is struggling. That he does love me too and he feels safe with me which is why around me he is a different person, the person he wants to be. That once I have my house in the woods, he will be more apt to move.

That was the hope I needed…

He has told me before that I am one of the few people he feels safe around me. And it is beyond obvious in his eyes when he looks at me that he does love me but he is not ready to say it. I understand that. We went 3 years without seeing each other or speaking. The first place I took him when he came to visit was one of my favorite beaches. Like myself, he loves being near water. He studies rocks and fascinated about water. Even though years had passed and I wanted to spend every moment with him, I let him wander on his own and gave him space. Later he thanked me, saying it was exactly what he has needed for a while and that I awoke a fire in him that he hasn’t felt for a while. One that he did not know was still there.

This distance thing is very difficult. I know I can help him, but I cannot help someone that is not ready. The psychic gave me hope that he and I will work it out. However, hope is a dangerous thing for me. I fear that the longer he is away from me the taller his walls get. He and I are doing the same thing right now. We are both being distant out of fear. We both put up a wall so we do not become attached more than we are already. Thing is, I know this and want to fix it. But I do not know how to talk to him without feeling like I am pushing him.

I like having the reassurance that there is hope, but unless he realizes the same things I do and makes attempts to communicate more there is no hope. I do not know what I prefer, having hope with a chance that it still won’t happen…or being hopeless and accepting it is what it is, so if it does work out I would be surprised and happy.

The one thing that keeps me up at night is the fear of living the rest of my life without someone to share it with. Getting that house and living in it alone. I feel deep down that it is him or no one. That no one stands a chance until I know what could happen between us. I understand what he is going through and I know he is in a negative environment. That he is fiercely independent like me and do not like others analyzing him or trying to push what they believe on him.

We are very similar. He also fears to be alone, he wants to be happy and to have someone to stand beside. I would want someone to fight for me and be understanding. For someone to prove they knew and loved me by simply being there. That is what I am trying to do for him, but my own insecurities eat at me when he is this distant. I begin to question if my memories were real and if he is actually playing me. Stringing me along just enough so I won’t find anyone else just like my ex-did for a while. I question if I should really keep trying to insert myself in some way in his life.

What would you do?

Better than nothing

Since I have tried the 3-day green challenge (see the previous post), I have been able to eat a little healthier. While I have not been exercising as much as I should, I am still seeing some weight loss and feeling less bloated than usual. Except for today because I had pizza for lunch yesterday and a cheesesteak sandwich…

I partly regret both of those things. However, I have almost cut pasta from my diet completely. You don’t know me, but pasta was my main food group. The fact that I am able to go a month and only having it once is a big deal!

Just trying to take this journey one step at a time. Ideally, I would like to lose weight quickly but that would not change my bad habits. If I lost it quickly, once I felt I looked good I would go back to my old ways. I need to do this slowly.

I encourage anyone to try this. To start a healthier lifestyle. Since I have been less bloated I have gotten some confidence back and I find myself being less critical and having less depressed days. I hope to continue this and give my depression a run for its money!

Food Challenge!

I just completed a 3-day green challenge. I had to go 3 days without Pasta, Rice, and Bread and make sure I had my 4 servings of veggies.

I am someone that loves veggies and fruits but Pasta has always been a separate food group for me. It is my go to. But it was only 3 days and I had honestly already cut back on pasta.

Today is the day after I completed it. Day 4. I feel great! I may not have been able to focus on water intake like I should have. I seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time lol.

I kept it simple and tried new things. Well, mostly just cauliflower. Made a cauliflower and broccoli crust pizza…I’m still on the fence, mostly because I don’t follow directions well.

Either way, I recommend anyone who struggles to eat healthier. Maybe create your own challenge. Pick 1-3 foods you eat the most that are unhealthy and replace it with another option!

Happiness: Is it something we have to strive or wait for?

This is the first week of a new class for me and I am excited about the first discussion post. I enjoyed it so much I thought I would share it with the rest of you and would like your thoughts as well! As you can tell from the title of the post, it has to do with Happiness. Do you believe it is something we have to consistently strive for? Or does it mean something else to you? Is it something that we control?

This is what I wrote in my post:

“I agree with this statement and I must say it has taken me a long time to realize that. I believe there are things that can make striving for happiness more difficult, mental illnesses for instance. Someone with depression, for example, I feel has to work harder to achieve happiness. Diane Wing is the author of The Happiness Perspective: Seeing Your Life Differently (2016) and she said “A pattern will emerge that leads to the understanding of how you are the master of your life and what you are doing to bring things into being positive or negative. You have brought everything into your life that exists there right now. Realizing this helps you to understand the immense power you possess to change whatever it is you no longer want and to manifest your desires.” I feel this is true. We bring positive and negative things into our lives sometimes unknowingly. Does this mean we still are not allowed to have bad days? No. It is part of life, things happen good and bad what matters is how we respond to it. If someone reacts to situations in a negative way more often than positive I believe they are less likely to be as happy as someone who tries to find the silver lining in bad situations. Some cases that can be difficult, but that is when it is important to view things as a learning experience. We have the power to do that and it is only a step in striving for happiness.
Wing, D. (2016). The Happiness Perspective: Seeing Your Life Differently. Ann Arbor, MI, USA : Loving Healing Press, 2016.”

 

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

Failing.

That is something I no longer believe in. I encourage others to try and spin it, to look at it as a learning experience. Not only does it sound better out loud and in our head, it does not have the negative emotions that follow it. 

Growing up we were taught “Sticks and Stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me.” I never liked that. Words do hurt. And for some those words stick with them and replay in their mind. Be careful with what you say not just to others but yourself. It is possible to break the habit of negative thinking, even with mental illnesses. We have to work extra hard already, I know it sounds exhausting. It took me a while and sure, I still have bad days here and there when depression is kicking my ass. When you put yourself down, stop after one sentence and try to spin it into something positive. After that one negative sentence try to find 2 positives for that 1 negative. Even if it is something as small as loving the smell of rain and the ocean. That was one of mine, so what I did was go out and get a wax melter and got the Rain of Spring and Ocean scents. So when I need a pick me up, I use them. 

You are NOT a failure. You did NOT fail. You are NOT failing.

You are LEARNING. You are EXPERIENCING. Do not give up, as long as you keep trying and learning you will not be a failure. 

Out of my Bubble!

The beginning of this year I began to struggle with mental health again. I wanted to give in to it so bad. I wanted to disappear and sleep all day and ignore everyone. But I didn’t. I started a program to help with physical health because I know that is what I need to continue fighting my mental health. I need to be confident in my body. That is something that has always been foreign to me. I have always hated the way I look. I always had others tell me I was too big, or too ugly. I have never been model skinny nor will I ever. I have never fit in the plus size category until now. Right now this is the biggest I have ever been but I am in the best mental health I have ever been in.

I have been trying to push myself further out of my comfort zone, and what I am doing now is a HUGE step. I have agreed to be a Coach for Beachbody on Demand. What this means is, I will be helping other people find their way to a better place mentally and physically but sharing my journey. This does NOT mean I will be advertising the company just to make money. I may mention it from time to time but I will be sharing MY journey, my struggles, my successes. There will be a lot of embarrassing photos and videos I will end up sharing. That scares me because we live in a cruel world, but I cannot help others unless they see that I struggle too and I keep pushing to overcome it.

I may not remember to post on here as often as I do on my new Instagram account Beautiful.Metamorphosis

Obessed!

Alright! As some of you know last year I spent working hard to improve my mental health and I bave maintained it! About 90% of the time I am feeling great. That last 10% is confidence in my body. While my mental health improved my physical health may have declined. This is the biggest I have ever been. Diabetes runs in my family and I am concerned that I am about to head down that road. So it is vital that I continue this journey toward bettering myself.

I have officially signed up for Beach Body on Demand and their NEW 80 Day Obsessed Challenge! I have just taken my before pictures and cannot wait to post the afters together.

My concern is the meal plans. I am horrible at being able to follow these things. Mostly because I do not like being told what to eat or when to eat. It might take a while to get in a habit.

I am excited and kind of nervous but I cannot wait to see the new me!