Tears She Cries

Some things just can’t be described

Some feelings just can’t be defined

What happens when you lose it all?

Will anyone be around when you fall?

When you feel all lost and empty inside

There are no answers you can only hide

Years of hard work with nothing to show

Slowly you feel all your morals go

Staring up at the beautiful sky

Not really caring if you live or die

Past demons taunting, you want to be numb

But letting them win would be so dumb

Not knowing who to count on or where to call home

Nothing left to do but to silently roam

Sitting alone sorting out the lies

No one cares to see the tears she cries…

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Effects of Social Media…thoughts?

I am working on an essay for school about social media and the negative effects it has on mental health and behavior. I believe it has more of a negative effect. At least it does on me.

What it comes down to is HOW the individual uses social media. I would greatly appreciate your opinions or thoughts. Postive or negative about how social media has impacted your life for the better or worse.

Hello there!

Hello everyone who is bored enough to peruse this! I just now realized it has been a while since I have posted anything. Need to get back into that habit again.

New things with me. Well if anyone has read previous posts, they would notice my beliefs and how much I struggle with depression, social anxiety and love. As well as how I believe I’ve met two of my soul mates. One was my best friend who died and the other was bad timing.

Well….timing is still bad, but a lot better than before. After years we have reconnected and picked up where we left off, however, he wants to have a better handle on his PTSD before we try a relationship. I can handle that, I will support anything he does. The most difficult part of this situation is long distance. He lives in another state.

Anyways. Next topic, college. I finished my first term with straight A’s! That is a huge accomplishment for me. I did alright in high school, not good or bad. So I have never believed myself to be smart.

Other than those two things life has been boring. Work is going great, I’m making new friends. Credit score has finally gone up enough for me to consider houses. I may be the biggest I have been weight/size wise but I am in the best mental health I have been in….in years! Depressed about my looks but it is what it is. Just need to work on consistency.

One more light…Linkin Park

When the news of Chester’s suicide reached me. Immediately I went to check if it was a hoax. As soon as my shift was done. I put on some music, naturally, it was Linkin Park. Their music was the main source of how I expressed myself. I was not very articulate and no one would listen to the words I said but I could make them listen to the music.

I originally heard of Chester Bennington when my biological father sent me a letter. He was in a band back in Arizona, and a new member had just left due to creative differences. Chester was that new member. I lost contact with my father but I have always wanted to know if they ever kept in touch, and if so…I wanted to meet Chester. I always said that if I could meet him and Pink, I could die happy…

I myself, have fought with depression and have attempted suicide a couple of times. I never had many friends growing up, and grew up with a mentally and emotionally abusive stepfather (rarely it was physical abuse). The one thing I could count on was music. I first heard Linkin Park on the radio, found I related to the music and balled my eyes out. Bought a CD, and every single song….I cried.

When their latest album came out One More Light, I was excited. When I first heard Heavy, I balled. When I heard the song One More Light. I again cried. My first initial thought was, this song is about those who are suicidal and want to leave the land of the living. I felt like Chester was singing to me.

“Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do”

I love you Chester, you helped me out of my dark place and I wish something could have helped you. The world certainly lost a talented person who has helped many people. I know I will feel a little lost knowing you won’t be creating any more music down here.

Camp Nano!

The last Camp Nano, I was not able to participate as much as I would have liked. Honestly, I did not at all. I would usually say I was disappointed, however, at that time I was fighting my Depression, starting college, and trying to save friendships.

Here I am, finally, a balance with everything and SO GLAD nano is back. College is going well, some friendships are not worth saving. And since I learned that, I have felt like my old self again and even picked up a semi-social life again.

Who else is excited for Nano? Do you know what you will be working on? What are your goals and have you ever completed them before? If there was anything you would like changed about Nano, what would you want to see?

Its ok to say goodbye…

This year I have been trying to push my limits. Get out of my comfort zone. 

This year I have also been trying to remove negative people. It has been difficult. Some i have been friends with for almost half, if not most of my life. 

There was one friend I was afraid of losing above everyone else due to the fact that a kid was involved. Our friendship went through a rough patch a few years ago and ive been trying to make it work. But I found that whenever her name appeared, my anxiety increased. Even if the conversation was pleasant. I kept waiting for it to turn into something else. 

We got into a fight a couple of weeks ago. I decided to take a break from her and facebook. That was the main way she contacted me, so I deacivated it so I knew I couldnt get messages. That week, I went from being seriously depressed to, somewhat genuinely happy.

I reactivated it, and as soon as I saw her name…just due to her liking someone else’s status. She didn’t comment and it wasnt her own status. I instantly noticed how on edge I was. My anxiety went right back to before I deactivated it. 

That’s when I realized how much of an impact I let her have on me. That the friendship was that negative. I made the choice to block her. Friends for 15 years, over in one second. One click.

It has been a week since I made that choice. I feel good again. Good things started happening. A mutual friend of ours told me its a sign that her and I should not be friends. 

It is ok to say goodbye to those toxic relationships. If things are going bad in your life, you must be honest with yourself. Are you letting others empact you? You can care about your friends lives but at some point you have to find the line between caring and taking on their problems as yours. 

Worlds Collide

I am working on a fan fiction. Cross of supernatural, game of thrones and maybe something else. I am not sure yet.

 

Dorian rushed into the room. He knew Alexandria was in danger and had to get to her. He could not believe King Joffrey would do something like this. Dorian’s kingdom was far away and had nothing to do with Kings Landing. Joffrey was power hungry and ruled with fear. Dorian and Alexandria ruled with love and a firm fist when needed. On a regular basis, Alexandria would walk the streets and interact with the people. She made sure she knew as many as she could and helped them in whatever way possible. It only made him love her more. She was a great Queen and soon to be an amazing mother to their child. He had to get to her side before King Joffrey’s soldiers did. Dorian ran as fast as his legs could manage.

Dorian rushed into the great hall breathlessly. He watched Joffrey’s guard remove his sword from Alexandria’s body. Without hesitation Dorian swung his sword, beheading the guard that stabbed his Queen. He quickly wrapped her limp body in his arms. “It is going to be ok. It has to be.” Dorian whispered as he held her. “Please. Please help her survive. I would do anything. Just please keep her safe!” He prayed. He could feel the life begin to leave her body. Her hands no longer clung tightly at the wound in her abdomen. He knew there was no way the baby would survive.

Trying a story…

This is something I am working on and I would kind of like it to end up a trilogy. This is only the first couple of paragraphs. I might post a little more, or post some fan fiction. Just trying to write more.

 

Startled by a howl not far from where she camped, Nevaeh grabbed the dagger she slept with. Slowly she made her way out of the shelter and scanned the area. With her keen sense of hearing, she focused on blocking out all sounds except for the animal. She heard a whimper. Her heart stopped. Whatever it was, sounded injured. Closing her eyes, she blocked out the whimpering to hear if there was any sign of danger. All she could tell was a small animal hurrying through the fallen leaves and twigs. Realizing there were no people nearby and she was not in immediate danger, Nevaeh lowered her dagger and made her way to the animal.

Her heart skipped a beat as she saw a wolf pup trying to scratch something away at their face. As she neared, she could not help but let out a small chuckle as she lowered to the pups level. “Dumbass.” She gave a little, sad smile as she slowly reached out to examine him. “What have you been getting into?” She asked mostly to herself but when the wolf pup gazed into her pale green eyes, she saw sadness and loneliness from his amber ones. Instantly she put an emotional wall up. “Oh no. No no. You are not staying with me.” The pup nudged her with his nose. “I am just barely able to take care of myself. There’s no way I can look after you too.”

Lets do this!

The last couple of weeks have been very rough. Depression has been at the lowest it has been in a long time. The support group I joined for anxiety and depression was a bad idea. Made me realize how differently my mind functions and what is inspiring to some, just passes me off. I’m a realist so when someone says it will get better! I instantly get annoyed because they don’t know that. 

A fitness group is another one I joined hoping to find inspiration to get myself moving. So far its working. I joined BeachBody on Demand. And I have been trying the 30 day challenge. So far I am on day 3. 

Fellow depressed people, join me in trying to get our bodies right and hopefully in doing so, our minds will follow

LETS DO THIS!

Trying!

In an effort to try to be more positive and avoid the dark spiral I can feel myself go down. I managed to find a new dating app. I joined a couple of facebook groups. One for women who are working to over come eating habits and disorders so they can be healthier and exercise, posting before and after photos without being judged. Another group for depression and anxiety, a support group. 

It takes a LOT for me to admit when I need help. My anxiety sky rockets and I bega, crying hysterically because my inner demons are back telling me I’m weak because I can’t do this on my own and that I won’t be accepted, that I will be rejected. I also tried to look for support groups for Empaths but I have had no luck, not ones that didn’t seem like a place to complain about being covered in animal fur. Still on the look out for that so I can find help to get more control over this and be a more effective worker with my clients.
So here’s to hope this helps. That this will be the push and support I need so I don’t feel so alone and lost

Online Dating…

I have attempted online dating on and off for YEARS! I have gone on a few dates but for the most part it has been one of the most negative experiences in my life and contributes to a lot of my low self esteem. I have several friends who married someone they met through a dating site so I knew it was possible.

From those I have talked to not many have had the experiences I have. I have been stalked, told I deserve to die and that I deserve to be raped and beaten. Now before the guys have said those things to me I told them I’m not an easy lay and don’t sleep with someone on a first date. To me sex means something. And catfished. I have also been catfished.

I have used every free dating site I could find. I have been debating on subscribing to match.com or eharmony. Are there any success stories out there someone could share with me? Does anyone recommend these sites? Are there others I should try instead?