Scream and Yell

Words cannot find their way to my mouth. I have run out of things to say. I’m sitting here after talking to a friend, all I want to do is scream and yell. All I find myself able to do is cry and ask myself “What the fuck?”

She gave me some news, and I am happy for her. I am. I know it appears that I’m not but that’s the jealous side of me. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve to be happy, I want the best for her. I’m just… After all the things she has done, the people she has hurt she still manages to get all the things I’ve ever wanted. The jealousy part comes in because I am one of the people she hurt. I still have a lot of resentment toward her. Slowly I’ve been able to move on from a lot of things.

I’ve been working hard the last couple of years to make positive changes to my life. For the most part, I have come a long way. Working on my career, saving for a house. The thing I hate most is not having a significant other to share things with. I have been single for almost 7 years.

This is when it just further confirms that I am born in the wrong time. I don’t like serial dating. I am not the casual type. I do not do parties. I believe in making more memories with who is currently in your life instead of going to parties to get drunk. About 87% of the men my age around here, that’s why they prefer to do. Very few want a relationship. Sure that leaves 13%. That is for those who do not have their lives together. No stable job or income, those who complain yet won’t take initiative to change their environments.

Sure go ahead and tell me it’s all about being positive and when you think good, then good things happen. That’s what I have been trying to do. I get little glimpses of hope here and there, however, the MOMENT I think to myself “You know, this could work. I kind of like him.” All of a sudden he disappears. Conversations last a week or two before they go elsewhere. I have tried every free dating site there is.

Aside from the depression and what not, I am easy going. I am funny. I am pretty. I am smart. Work is going good, as is school and things are good with the family. Everything has come together except for the love life. Tired of hearing the “It will come to you, just wait.” or “you have to put yourself out there.” I have done both. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to have a family and kids.

I am as happy as I can be. I struggle trying to believe it can get better. I just don’t see that happening. I feel like I’m running out of time…

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