Trying!

In an effort to try to be more positive and avoid the dark spiral I can feel myself go down. I managed to find a new dating app. I joined a couple of facebook groups. One for women who are working to over come eating habits and disorders so they can be healthier and exercise, posting before and after photos without being judged. Another group for depression and anxiety, a support group. 

It takes a LOT for me to admit when I need help. My anxiety sky rockets and I bega, crying hysterically because my inner demons are back telling me I’m weak because I can’t do this on my own and that I won’t be accepted, that I will be rejected. I also tried to look for support groups for Empaths but I have had no luck, not ones that didn’t seem like a place to complain about being covered in animal fur. Still on the look out for that so I can find help to get more control over this and be a more effective worker with my clients.
So here’s to hope this helps. That this will be the push and support I need so I don’t feel so alone and lost

Online Dating…

I have attempted online dating on and off for YEARS! I have gone on a few dates but for the most part it has been one of the most negative experiences in my life and contributes to a lot of my low self esteem. I have several friends who married someone they met through a dating site so I knew it was possible.

From those I have talked to not many have had the experiences I have. I have been stalked, told I deserve to die and that I deserve to be raped and beaten. Now before the guys have said those things to me I told them I’m not an easy lay and don’t sleep with someone on a first date. To me sex means something. And catfished. I have also been catfished.

I have used every free dating site I could find. I have been debating on subscribing to match.com or eharmony. Are there any success stories out there someone could share with me? Does anyone recommend these sites? Are there others I should try instead? 

New day?

New day and I’m trying to think positively but I find it so difficult. Its becoming more difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I woke up hating myself putting myself down. Finally forced my body to get out of bed and feed the cats and jump on the computer to distract myself. 

That was a bad idea lol. Now I want to just disappear and go off grid. But I also wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I didn’t feel like such a burden to others. Was talking to my friend the other day and she said that she noticed I’m different but in a good way, I am more positive. I confessed that I don’t feel different that I still think the same way. That I don’t know if I really am happier or if I’m just trying to fool everyone and trying to convince myself. I was already really good with hiding my depression, but if I got even better at it that’s a little troublesome. 

I’m here trying to get motivation to take a shower (that’s not the depression talking that’s laziness) 

In love with Love

Ok so here I am laying in bed watching The Big Bang Theory thinking about the post I made this morning. 

Still feel the same, however, I’m trying to think positive and not give up on the hope of love.

I realized many years ago that I am in love with love. How you feel when you love someone and they love you in return. It is an amazing feeling. 

I’m terrified that I won’t find it again. I’m terrified of spending my life alone. But I don’t know if I’m more afraid of never being loved or of being hurt again. I honestly feel like I can’t take much more heartache. It already physically hurts that I don’t have anyone to give it to. I have so much to offer but I am not given a chance. 

I can count on one hand how many times a guy has flirted with me. Someone I don’t know. I constantly hear stories from my friends about how someone has gone up to them and asked for their number, bought them a drink or randomly done something nice for them. It hasn’t even happened to me 5 times. Not even 3. I get random people who talk to me because I have a calming energy and people feel comfortable but…guys don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t have enough fingers to count how often I get dirty looks from women. Complete strangers. I am not the type to show lots of cleavage or wear shorts so short you can see the pocket lining. 

This is when I start to ask myself what’s wrong with me? Why am I broken? But I have to stop myself because that goes down a dangerous road that I have been trying to hard to stay off of. 

So now, I go to bed. Excited to be back into my dream world where I don’t have it all, but I at least have love. 

Scream and Yell

Words cannot find their way to my mouth. I have run out of things to say. I’m sitting here after talking to a friend, all I want to do is scream and yell. All I find myself able to do is cry and ask myself “What the fuck?”

She gave me some news, and I am happy for her. I am. I know it appears that I’m not but that’s the jealous side of me. I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve to be happy, I want the best for her. I’m just… After all the things she has┬ádone, the people she has hurt she still manages to get all the things I’ve ever wanted. The jealousy part comes in because I am one of the people she hurt. I still have a lot of resentment toward her. Slowly I’ve been able to move on from a lot of things.

I’ve been working hard the last couple of years to make positive changes to my life. For the most part, I have come a long way. Working on my career, saving for a house. The thing I hate most is not having a significant other to share things with. I have been single for almost 7 years.

This is when it just further confirms that I am born in the wrong time. I don’t like serial dating. I am not the casual type. I do not do parties. I believe in making more memories with who is currently in your life instead of going to parties to get drunk. About 87% of the men my age around here, that’s why they prefer to do. Very few want a relationship. Sure that leaves 13%. That is for those who do not have their lives together. No stable job or income, those who complain yet won’t take initiative to change their environments.

Sure go ahead and tell me it’s all about being positive and when you think good, then good things happen. That’s what I have been trying to do. I get little glimpses of hope here and there, however, the MOMENT I think to myself “You know, this could work. I kind of like him.” All of a sudden he disappears. Conversations last a week or two before they go elsewhere. I have tried every free dating site there is.

Aside from the depression and what not, I am easy going. I am funny. I am pretty. I am smart. Work is going good, as is school and things are good with the family. Everything has come together except for the love life. Tired of hearing the “It will come to you, just wait.” or “you have to put yourself out there.” I have done both. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to have a family and kids.

I am as happy as I can be. I struggle trying to believe it can get better. I just don’t see that happening. I feel like I’m running out of time…