I find myself sitting here in bed needing someone to talk to. Someone to vent to. Preferably someone who will not just be there emotionally but physically. A hug would be nice every once in a while. Hell, even someone to just sit there in silence with me would not be bad.
You know those nights when emotions start to creep up from the dark, damp dungeon that they get locked into…When the only person you want to talk to is your best friend but they live in another state. Granted she is not that far away and we try our best to make the other one laugh and smile. But sometimes you just need someone there.
This would be one of those moments that I would call or message her and just vent but she is also going through a rough time. We have a vicious circle of avoiding each other if we are both in a depressing funk.
Most nights I accept that I am alone and believe I will stay alone. But then there are other nights when it just hurts the heart.
Before you say “Everyone has a soulmate” or “There’s someone out there for everyone.” Don’t. My situation is so much more complicated than that. I do not believe in that anyways. Every group of friends has that one person that ends up alone. I am that friend.
It goes into past lives and not just feeling like I don’t belong here. But truly not belonging. Yes, I believe in past lives. I believe in witchcraft. I believe in enhanced natural abilities. I believe in a past life I may have dabbled in black magic and something went wrong. As we all know magic can be evil and used incorrectly can have unforeseen consequences. And my current situation is one of them.
All I want to do is yell and cry and sleep. Every day is a struggle. A struggle to try and find a reason to keep going. It’s bad enough I grew up feeling different. Having it confirmed by multiple people does not help. Every day I ask myself “Why am I doing this?” Answer ends up being the same. “Because people need me.” I have an ability to help people in ways they did not even believe possible. I am not the average person.
I have always dropped everything and anything when a friend was upset. Some of my friends have done that on rare occasion for me. Very rare. But sometimes it would be nice for someone to give me a hug and tell me it will be ok and I don’t know what else. Preferably something that is not so generic.