Letting Go…

I’ve still been struggling with what to do with my blog. Originally they were basically like an online journal before it was all about politics, food, tattoos, and well…horrible news. Lets face it, the world is getting worse.

So until I can make this blog into what I really want it to, (writing and the novels I’m working on). I am just going to write about me, and how I feel and the crazy storm that goes on inside. At least until July 1st when Camp Nano starts.

I tend to hold a lot in. And really, majority of those out there hold back. Be it emotions or part of their personality and most of the time it’s due to fear of being rejected or misunderstood. That can really be a bad thing, it can have series health consequences.

I tend to make excuses for why I hold things in. Biggest one being….I don’t want to be a burden on anyone else.

The world is filled with so much hate and depressing things and everyone is so stressed and consumed in it, I don’t want to add. And that’s mostly true. But then I go so long without talking to anyone about what’s been on my mind it bottles up until I have a meltdown.

I’ve always been the go to person for my closest friends. I also tend to be the one they take their frustrations out on. Which I definitely don’t deserve but I understand that sometimes people just get so worked up they lash out at the closest thing or person. I am guilty of doing that and I try to be self aware when I am.

I am more than ok to be there for those in need. It comes naturally being able to cheer people up a little. But some days I have difficulty getting out of bed. I have difficulty saying positive things, not because I don’t want to. But because I’m drained. Because I haven’t let go of my own issues.

There are few times that I try to reach out to friends. But I tend to feel selfish when I keep trying to bring the conversation back to myself. Like I’m begging for attention. Honestly sometimes I am. I wish someone could just look at me and see behind the fake smile and the twinkle in my eyes that I can also fake. I wish that someone would just give me a big hug and squeeze me without saying anything except “It’s going to be ok.”

(preferably someone other than my mom. I love her and she is more than likely going to read this lol. And I know it’s her job to be there for me. But it’d be nice if it could be someone who doesn’t HAVE to be there, but truly wants to be. I know she wants to be as well BUT no kid wants to go to their parents and tell them how miserable they are on the inside).

So until that day comes, I am going to use this blog as a release. As a way to let some things go. If you took the time to read this all, I thank you and it means a lot even though I don’t know who you are.

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